Letting my heart walk outside my body

I remember when you were all mine, and then suddenly you let go of my hand and walked away. Gut wrenching fear strangled my heart as I had to come to terms with the fact that I had to release you into the big wide world to make your own dreams a reality. I know you must find your own way and no matter what I will always love you, but nothing could have ever prepared me for this day.

On the 11th of January 2020, my son Chris climbed onto a plane and left for Iowa USA to fulfill his scholarship dream of playing rugby in America. The preparations for this dream started a year before it was eventually realised and I stood by him, his biggest fan throughout his whole rugby school career. When the big day finally arrived, I cursed the day we put a rugby ball in his hands! The drive to the airport was so unbearable I was afraid that my legs would not carry me inside. All mothers will understand what I am talking about when I say that I cannot find the words to describe the pain that washes over your body and causes you to tremble and whimper internally. I was immensely proud of him, but I kept wanting to scream out, “No! Stop! I changed my mind, please let’s go home”.

To be honest the wait while sitting having endless cups of coffee at the airport restaurant, passed like a blur. A blur of me sitting speechless staring at his beautiful face, while the uncontrollable tears flowed thick and fast down my cheeks into big puddles on my shirt. No matter how hard I tried they would not stop and the painful knot in my throat grew and grew until I was certain I would choke to death with every breath I took. Finally, when I could no longer stop the clock and his boarding time crept up on me like a monster in the dark, we walked arm in arm to the gate. How do you say goodbye? There is simply no easy way. I held him hard. Trying to etch the memory of his strong arms around me deep into my brain forever. Burying my face into his chest to smell him one last time. My son. My pride and joy. My heart. Then he was gone.

The journey home was spent making every conceivable deal with God to keep him safe.

Please do not repeat my mistakes. How will I sleep at night not knowing if you are safe?

Now almost a year later, the pain is still real but everyday I find ways to make it more bearable. Thanks to technology I can hear his voice, see his big smile, and enjoy his contagious laugh. Little did I know on that awful day at the airport that this year would bring more to deal with than just him leaving. Covid hit the world with an unforgiving, hateful vengeance that has torn lives apart on so many levels. For me, it meant dealing with the fact that Chris was so far away from his family during this horrific pandemic and he had so much more to deal with on his own. He remained strong through it all and not only has he excelled at varsity but has made his mark in the USA as a remarkably valued asset to the rugby field. He has been truly fortunate to meet a lovely young lady, Kendall, who has held him up and loved him through all the difficult patches. I am so grateful that he has found love and although he misses his family every day, he is living his dream.

No matter how much I say I love you Chris, it is always much more than that.